9781988256184-epub2 Page 11

  “Ray!” I run to the kitchen. “My bed is gone.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But yours isn’t.”

  He shuts off the water.

  “What—”

  “Chaz has an extra bed for me.”

  “I want mine back.”

  “It’s at Chaz’s place,” Ray says.

  “This is my place.”

  “Ruby—”

  “NO!”

  I rush back to the living room, where Gary Daddy-o is still on the couch with his bottle of whiskey. By now it’s almost empty, like his eyes. I kneel down next to him.

  “Gary Daddy-o?” I put my hand on his knee but the only thing he looks at is that bottle. I start to wonder if he has another one. He probably does. If not, he knows where to get it.

  How long is a minute? How long is it when you’re kneeling next to someone who won’t look your way?

  “Ruby.” Ray is calling me from the doorway.

  “Go,” I tell him.

  “We’re supposed to be at Sophie’s.”

  “I’ll catch up.”

  Ray stands there staring, and I think, no matter where I go I’ll never leave this apartment.

  This is forever. This will always be where I live.

  I don’t want to get up but my knees are starting to hurt so I change positions, sitting cross-legged on the floor. A truck passes by outside, shaking the floorboards. Gary Daddy-o still isn’t looking at me but he at least lets me hold his hand. And when I use it to wipe the tear coming down my face, he squeezes my finger, and for a second I think he’s going to sob. Instead he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap, which pretty much ends any chance I have of not crying. Then Ray comes over and hugs us both.

  “You can’t do this,” I hear myself say through jagged breaths. “You can’t give up on us.”

  “Ruby,” is all he’ll say.

  “You need to find that lady and divorce her.”

  “No time,” says Gary Daddy-o.

  “We’ll wait for you. We’ll stay at Sophie’s.”

  “Your mom wants to marry someone else now.”

  “No she doesn’t—”

  “She does, Ruby. Now let it go.”

  But I can’t let it go.

  “Was she right?” I ask. “Was there someone in your hotel room?”

  “Honey—”

  “Was there?” Gary Daddy-o pulls his arm away. “There’s always people around when you go on tour.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “They hang out with us. It’s nothing.”

  He reaches for the bottle but this time, I snatch it and run to the window.

  “What are you doing?” Gary Daddy-o says.

  I open the window and pour the whiskey out.

  “You don’t need any more,” I say, turning to face him as I set the bottle down.

  Gary Daddy-o watches me, but makes no move to get up. I know he can get another bottle, but I’m not going to make it easy for him. He frowns, looking down at his hands. He won’t look at either of us, and when Ray tries to touch him, Gary Daddy-o shakes him off. Ray’s face darkens and he springs up, heading for the bathroom. I hear the toilet flushing down the hall and remember how Levitt stared at the tub and the cracks in the ceiling, deciding everything was wrong in here. Now it really is wrong and it’s all her fault.

  But it’s Gary Daddy-o’s fault, too, if there was someone in his hotel room. If he was away all the time, and Nell-mom couldn’t count on him. If he was married to someone else—

  “Gary Daddy-o, I need you to talk to me.”

  “You better go, honey,” he mumbles.

  “I live here. Remember?”

  “You can’t anymore. You can visit.”

  “What do you mean ‘visit’?”

  “Weekends. When I’m around—”

  “What do you mean ‘around’? Where are you going?”

  He doesn’t answer and I sit on the windowsill watching him until Ray comes out of the bathroom. “Ruby!” he calls. “We gotta go.”

  “I’m staying here,” I say.

  “Nell-mom says we can’t do anything to make them send you back—”

  “I don’t care what Nell-mom says.”

  Ray comes over and touches Gary Daddy-o’s arm. “I love you,” he says, and though I don’t look up I can hear his voice breaking.

  “Love you,” Gary Daddy-o says.

  Ray closes the door so softly I’m not even sure he’s gone.

  There is no clock, so I can’t tell what time it is. It was starting to get dark when I ran over here, so I’m guessing it’s nine or later. I doubt Gary Daddy-o will tell me anything about his life on the road or whatever else he’s been through. And do I really want to know?

  I sit on the couch and press my head against his cheek, smelling sweat in the creases of his neck. Since he hasn’t shaved in a while, his beard is rough and grizzly. After a minute he puts his arm around me and we just stay like that, holding each other. And even though I don’t want to, I can’t help but wonder if this could be one of the last times I see him. Because if he keeps going on the road to play his gigs, he could go forever. If he’s sad enough.

  I won’t let him leave us. I can’t.

  Outside, the street starts to rumble with the sounds of Friday night. A cornet plays in the distance; a group of girls runs by, screaming; a fire-truck siren blasts as it rounds the corner. Other sounds come and go, playing around and through the apartment like an accordion; in, out, over, down.

  If I can just hold him like I’m doing now, he can’t go anywhere. I tighten my grip around his neck and he lifts his chin so I can lean on his shoulder. That’s all I really need anyway—just me and my Gary Daddy-o, watching shadows from the streetlights splash their patterns on the wall.

  18

  Chaz

  I WAKE UP in Ray’s bed; Gary Daddy-o must have put me there. There’s a note taped to the wall.

  Had to go uptown to rehearsal. Your mom wants to see you today and Solange is waiting at Sophie’s. B-Good.

  —Love, G. Daddy-o

  Someone’s ringing the buzzer, so I stick my head outside the window to see who it is. Sophie’s outside, holding a box that seems to be moving. Solange! I run to the door to buzz her in.

  “I thought you might want to see her,” Sophie says. She pulls off the top of the box and Solange jumps out, looking ten times bigger than when I left her.

  “What have you been feeding this cat?”

  “Everything,” says Sophie, yawning. “She eats like a horse.” I pick up Solange and try to cradle her but she’s always been squirmy. She scratches her hind legs against me and jumps down to smell and taste whatever’s left in this apartment. I click my tongue at her to see if she’ll come, but no luck. I just have to wait until she’s ready.

  “Want some breakfast?” Sophie asks.

  “I don’t think there’s much in the fridge except beer.”

  “We’ve got strawberries and sour-cream omelets at our house,” Sophie says. “Wanna come?”

  “Nah.”

  “Come on, Ruby—”

  “My mother’s there, isn’t she?”

  “She wants to take you out for your birthday.”

  “Yeah, well,” I say. “I’m out already.”

  Sophie sits on the floor and calls Solange, who kind of annoys me by coming to her. The cat turns around a few times in a circle before settling on Sophie’s lap. I look at her.

  “Give her a few days,” Sophie says. “She just got used to me.”

  “You think she’s really going to live with Chaz?” I ask.

  “Solange?” Sophie scratches her behind the ear.

  “Nell-mom.”

  “Oh. Guess so. He lives over the gallery,” Sophie says. “He
’s got a really big pad.”

  “Charles on Charles Street,” I say, and we both start to laugh. I put my fingers in front of Solange’s nose and she sniffs them. After a few minutes of this she lets me scratch her under the chin.

  “So is Charles his real name?” Sophie asks, but I shrug. I don’t want to talk about Chaz or Charles Street. I’m staying on Perry.

  “He bought you a present,” Sophie says.

  “You can have it.”

  “It’s a leotard.”

  “What color?”

  “Black.”

  I pet Solange, trying to decide if there’s a way to accept something you want from someone you hate. If I keep the leotard at Sophie’s I can borrow but not own it.

  “They did your room over there.”

  “I have a great room here,” I say.

  “They said you can have both rooms,” Sophie says.

  “I don’t give a hoot WHAT they said.”

  Solange jumps up and runs down the hall and I bring my knees up to my chest. Chaz is rich because a lot of people go to his gallery and buy things. Was he romancing Nell-mom the day we found them in the studio? If that’s true, then he’s the opposite of cool.

  “Can I still go to the bathroom here?” Sophie asks.

  “Of course you can go to the bathroom. Why wouldn’t you?”

  “I don’t know.” She gets up and walks down the hall, and as I watch her I see why she asked me. The sound of her feet on the floor is really loud, like there’s no one around for miles. It’s like a ghost house.

  “We have to get some food in here,” I say to no one.

  When Sophie comes out of the bathroom, she leans against the door and calls out, “What are we going to do about school?”

  “I don’t know.” I get up and walk over to her. “I’m betting Gordy will pass the test, but you and I might have to go.”

  “That would be terrible—”

  “There are worse things,” I say, “than school.”

  “Okay, but—”

  “I don’t care right now, Sophie. I just don’t care.”

  Rat-tat-tat. Nell-mom is knocking on the window. She’s standing outside with Chaz, who’s wearing a blue shirt with short sleeves and a collar. He looks really square. Nell-mom, on the other hand, looks better than she did yesterday, in a black skirt and boots with her hair swept up in a beret.

  “Ruby!”

  I don’t answer so Nell-mom uses her key to get in. Solange comes back and rubs against her ankles.

  “Hey,” she says. “You remember Chaz.”

  I turn my back.

  “Ruby!”

  “It’s okay,” says Chaz. “She doesn’t have to—”

  “Yes, she does,” says Nell-mom. “She has to be nice to you.”

  Sophie backs into my room, closing the door behind her.

  “We want to show you the new apartment,” Nell says.

  “It may be your new apartment,” I say. “I live here.”

  “Honey, it’s okay,” says Chaz, and I really hate how he calls her honey. “She can live here for a while—”

  “Ruby cannot live here. She can either live with her married mother and stepfather or at a children’s home.”

  “But she can visit her dad.”

  “Visit means once or twice a week,” says Nell-mom. “It does not mean living here.”

  I turn to face her. “I’d rather go back to the children’s home.”

  “You are going to live with me, Ruby,” says Nell-mom. The veins on her neck stand out from her skin like pale blue twigs on a paper napkin.

  “Babe—” says Chaz.

  “DON’T CALL ME BABE!” Nell-mom yells, and Chaz is quiet. Finally.

  I smile. Just give it a few weeks, buddy, and see how you like being bossed around.

  “Ruby, listen to me.” Nell-mom takes hold of my chin and lifts it so I have to look at her. “Mrs. Levitt told me you were starving yourself. She said you were going to die if I didn’t do something.”

  “You don’t have to be scared of Mrs. Levitt—”

  “But I do, Ruby! I do.” Nell-mom squats down on the floor in front of me. “She can do anything she wants and we don’t have a say in it. You don’t know because it never happened to you.”

  “It did happen—”

  “No, Ruby. I didn’t let it happen. I’m getting married and we’ll be safe—”

  “I don’t care about being safe. I want my father.”

  “And you have him,” says Nell-mom.

  “Not like before.”

  “We’ve been through this, Ruby.”

  “But he’ll get divorced, okay? Let him find that lady—”

  “It’s not just the lady, Ruby! It’s your dad and me.” Nell-mom puts her hands on my shoulders. “We’re better off this way.”

  I look at her, trying to figure out what could have happened.

  “It’s not like it was, you know?” she says as though she could read my mind. “We’re not the same as we used to be. It isn’t your fault.”

  “Then why can’t I live with him? I want to live here at least part of the time.”

  “You can, sometimes.”

  “More than sometimes.”

  “We’ll see, okay? We’ll see when he’s here.”

  “The more I’m here, the more he will be.”

  “We’ll talk about it later, okay?” Nell-mom stands up, brushing off her skirt.

  I don’t answer.

  “Okay, Ruby?”

  I stare at Chaz’s shoes, knowing they’re both watching me. If I push too hard, Nell-mom will dig in her heels and then I’ll never get my way. I look up at her. “Okay.”

  She nods and smiles. “Ready for your birthday breakfast?”

  “In a minute.”

  “Good. We’ll see you outside.”

  Chaz opens the door for Nell-mom and in a few seconds I see them through the window, with their arms around each other. Sophie opens my bedroom door and pokes her head out.

  “You okay?”

  Sure, just my life is falling apart. But it’s not like I can go on another hunger strike right now. I mean, I could but I don’t think that would change things. It might make them worse, especially if I got sick or something. The only choice I have is to wait and see what happens.

  Or is it?

  Let’s say for now, I take Solange and go back to Sophie’s. I eat breakfast and see my new room. But I’m also going to be scouting out furniture and bringing it back here, because it’s not up to Nell-mom and Gary Daddy-o to say where I live anymore.

  It’s my choice, and my place. No matter what they say or do.

  19

  Fake Day

  THIS IS NOT my golden birthday. It’s somebody else’s, someone in New Jersey, maybe, or Idaho. This is just a regular day where I get some cupcakes and an omelet made with strawberries and sour cream. There’s also a subway ride to Chelsea, where there’s a street fair on West Twenty-Sixth because Nell-mom asked me where I wanted to go and I said nowhere. She said let’s go to a museum and I said I didn’t want to see any art, so Mrs. Tania suggested the street fair.

  Sophie’s trying hard to make it fun, but it isn’t. It could have been if we were by ourselves, but instead we have Chaz trailing along with Nell-mom, Ray, and Mrs. Tania. We go up and down the street looking at food and tables full of books, clothes, toys, and records. Chaz is buying all these little things for Nell-mom, and she’s acting all goosey about them and all I can think of is Gary Daddy-o staring out the window with his bottle of Jim Beam. So when Chaz offers to buy me anything I want, I say no and ask if we can leave soon. Then Ray chimes in.

  “Come on,” he says.

  “Leave me alone.”

  “You always think it’s her fault.”

/>   I start walking away, but he catches up to me. “She was terrified the whole time you were gone—”

  “That doesn’t mean she has to marry some jerk—”

  “He’s not that bad,” Ray says, and I look at him like he’s crazy.

  “Oh, really?”

  “You know—”

  “You’re telling me you like Chaz?”

  “I like it when she’s happy—”

  “You knew this was going to happen,” I say. “You knew it that day in the studio.”

  “I didn’t know ANYTHING!” Ray says.

  “You’re telling me you don’t care if you don’t see your dad—”

  “We’ll see him, Ruby! We’re both going to see him. For one thing, we’ll be out on the road.”

  “What?”

  “He says I can go out on the road with him.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You mean . . . on gigs?”

  “Not all the time, but sometimes—”

  “THAT’S why you don’t care,” I say. “Because you won’t be here.”

  “You can go, too—”

  “How, Ray? I don’t sing and I don’t play an instrument. What do I do, out on the road?” I try to keep my chin steady but I know it’s starting to shake.

  “We’ll think of something!”

  “You’re leaving me—”

  “I’m not leaving, Ruby, okay? I would never just leave you. Once in a while, for a short gig, maybe—”

  I cut him off before he can say any more. “Go AWAY, Ray. Go wherever you want to go. Just don’t tell me how to feel when nothing’s changing for you.”

  He tries to grab my arm but I kick him right in the shin and he yowls and lets go. At that point Nell-mom starts walking over to us and it’s all I can do to keep from screaming.

  “What’s the matter?” Nell-mom asks.

  “Tell me you really love this guy—”

  “He’s a good man—”

  “And you love him—”

  “And I love him, Ruby, yes!”

  “Like you love Gary Daddy-o?”